ok seriously

I'm doing OK. thanks for asking. Sorry If I haven't responded personally.
Hope to catch up on stuff like that soon.

I'm feeling less angry, less afraid, and more hopeful all the time.

*

The last decade of my life with Andrea formed many good memories, and much for which I'm thankful to her for.

But many of those years also contained a sense of something dark and immanent,
some painful choices and patterns.
and no options for collaboratively finding healthier ways of relating to each other.

and not having those options (and not understanding why)
does feel like rejection (whether it is or it isn't)

So while many people experience divorce as an overwhelming wave of rejection or loss.
I have felt those emotions more like the current of a river.
Sometimes a strong current, sometimes less noticeable.
But a current I've experienced (and contributed to) for a long time.

So now I do not feel a wave.
I am more aware of a steady "depressurization."

What was feared, resisted, and fought has materialized. And I find the experience of it far more tolerable than the fear or of it.

*

And it's nice to speak more freely with people I care about.

A good therapist is better than working through something alone.

But not having to keep things from those I love is much better.

I do feel loss, grief, and regret: for the hurting people I care about, and for the roles I have played in causing hurt.

But mostly I feel a lot of hope.

**

Did I mention that a week from today I will take my boys to the cabin for 8 days?
We're going to throw lots of rocks in mackinaw bay, canoe relentlessly, explore the function and grave responsibilities of wearing big boy underpants, and maybe I'll even notch some logs for the little cabin I started building almost 15 years ago (Cedar lasts a long long time).

**

And I do live with my parents
(and they have been great)

**

And I do not have a job
(but I'm not really a "have a job" kind of guy)

In spite of some current financial pressures (resulting in a screeching halt of all business development and advertising), my little company seems to still be paying it's primary bills and starting a slow recovery. My employee/friends have been great. And I think were going to make it.

Some of the responsibilities which claimed significant chunks of my time have drawn, or are drawing, to a conclusion. I'm hoping to start making music again in the next month. I may do more video work to fill some financial gaps.

**

More often than not, I get to spend every waking hour with my boys.
And when they are with Andrea, I still get to spend time with them every day.

And this is not the reality of most single parents.
so I'm really grateful.
hopeful
and well.

-daniel

i don't have a job and i live with my mom

(working on some new ways of introducing myself)


:)

Voices From Above

Tuesday morning it started raining when I had a bunch of boxes and moving stuff in the driveway.
So I raced around madly, pulling boxes into the garage as quickly as I could.
Just as I was about to go back inside I heard a voice from the upstairs window of my next door neighbor's house.

Lilly: "What about the Bike?"
Daniel: "Good point Lilly."
pause
Daniel: "But you know what, it's gotten wet before, I think it will be OK this time."
Lilly: "Have you heard of rust?"
Daniel: "I hadn't really thought of that... [moving bike] Lilly, how did you grow to be so smart so quickly?"
Lilly: "Hello!!??!, I'm *NINE* Years old!"

I'm really going to miss my neighbors.

And they are now well along the way of moving into my old house. And I am completely moved out. (thanks to some great friends and family who were very generous with their help).

I would very much like to buy my neighbor's house so I can sit in Lilly's upstairs window and advise her driveway activities. (Or just so I could keep some of the best neighbors I've had, one of my favorite neighborhoods, and the incredible view of Bear Lake's wetlands).

It would be about half of my previous house payment, but still more than I want to spend.

If you have been to my house and fallen in love with the sunset-over-waiving-cattails, you should talk to my neighbors before they list their (old) house with a realtor (very soon).

But mostly I wanted to say thanks to everyone who helped. I really couldn't have made it without you.

***
Important Addendum: Moulton House Not For Sale

Please desist all efforts to sell my house on Moulton Avenue anymore. My previous renters (who wish to purchase the house) seemed to have found new employment, payed all back rent, and have secured a new lease with me. I'm hoping (for their sake and mine) that this works out well for them.

If you were really closet to that $400 bounty, I apologize. If you send me an essay describing your sales efforts, I will send you $1, or the object of my choice from one of my three "moving storage sites" as a consolation prize.

schedule updates

i got some great help from some great friends and we made a bid dent yesterday.

I was kind of counting on today and tomorrow to really make progress, but I forgot that I had agreed to watch the boys from 8am-2p tomorrow.

So today I will be working on moving all day (sans-twins), and tomorrow I will be back to the work-site by 2pm working all evening (and maybe night).

Friday I will be closing on the house in the morning, but working on packing and moving in the Afternoon and Evening. My 2 associates will be with me. While they enjoy the commotion of moving, they do slow me down a bit.

I hope to finish up moving on Saturday, while simultaneously unloading tons of stuff on eager victims at the garage sale managed by Sue Wagenmaker (the garage sale will only be happening on Saturday). If you'd like to help with the sale, the boys, or general moving/driving/cleanup stuff for any portion of that day, it would be great.

Communication Note:
my verizon phone is out of minutes, so I will have to check my message and then call you back using my computer, (unless you are verizon, it's saturday, or it's after 9pm). Sometimes that takes a little while, depending where I'm at. Sorry.


Directions to my house

It's Go Time

Alright friends, family, and even enemies (you know who you are).

We close on the sale of our house on Friday the 24th. And I intend/hope to be completely out by the end of the day Saturday (or better).

For all of you who have said you would love to help out,
I think I'm ready.

I hope to finish boxing most of my office/studio up tonight (besides the bare essentials).

Then I'll be doing a lot of cleaning in preparation for the boys return tomorrow morning.

I'll be storing most of my remaining stuff (hopefully not too much) in Angela and Ryan's new basement.

I'll be moving into my parents apartment (behind their garage). The boys will get the bedroom I'll sleep in the living room, and I'm still working on a good solution for a place to set up my recording gear and office. (Know of anyone selling a dirt cheap old travel trailer (around 22 feet)?

So now that I know where I'm going, and where I can put stuff, here's how I could use help (if that is something you would like to do).

1. General labor (cleaning, packing, moving stuff around) - Needed anytime Sunday(today) through Saturday the 25th.

2. Playing with the boys while I do General Labor (Monday through Wednesday)

3. Helping with a garage sale on Friday and/or Saturday, or collaborating on said garage sale.
-playing with the boys, taking money from people so they can be saddled with worthless trinkets, bringing a table that I can borrow, etc...

4. transporting objects large and small to my parent's or my sisters. By using my de-seated mini van, or your own vehicle if it's suitable.

5. Know of anyone who wants to buy a very nice Dining Room Table (big, solid, built in leaves, no chairs) or some very nice leather furniture. Both are less than a year old. Table (paid 800, will take 500-firm), Love Seat (paid 1300 will take 900, and if you want a set Andrea might be open to selling her couch, chair and ottoman).

call, e-mail or comment if you would like to help in any of these ways.
rudd "Dot" daniel "At" gmail "Dot" com
231.557.2532

maybe you can help...

...help me find a buyer for our house on Moulton Avenue.

I really think it is a great house and a great price.

But I'm looking for a place where my boys and I can live with a smaller payment.

And we are supposed to be out of hour house on Cedar Avenue in less than 2 weeks.

That makes us "motivated sellers".

And I am offering a reward again.
Last time TJ and Lindsay scored the bounty. This is a bigger house, so it's a bigger reward.
$400 goes to the person who finds a buyer for my house.

Click here for details and pictures, or use this link: http://snipurl.com/1phaw

and it would be great if you could let other people know.

Maybe you don't know someone who needs this house,
but you probably know lots of people who could use 400 bucks.

Goodbye Cedar Avenue...

I really think I'm OK with it...

I tried to scheme a zillion ways to keep it.
more stability for my boys
(or maybe for me)

but in the end it seemed obvious that my limited resources
would accomplish more by sharing my time directly with Isaac and Will
instead of exchanging it for a bigger house.

So I'm going to spend less,
so I can make less, so I can work less.

stability seems like a scarce resource
possibly an illusion

the most important pieces of my life
are orbiting just outside of my control.

and surprisingly, I'm starting to feel OK with that too.

**

If you've been to Cedar Avenue, you know why I love it.
And I think I'll miss my neighbors more than the view.
But I know that the view won't be missed by my neighbors.

They will be moving in by the end of the month.
And I plan to crash their back porch regularly.

***
So the three rudd boys are on the hunt for a new residence.

***

but first we have to sell our other house which is soon to be vacated by our former renters.
3-5 bedroom, 3 bathroom, great N. Muskegon location:
130,ish (price to be determined upon assessment of post rental condition)


more details to come (there will be a reward)

life update

I'm very thankful for the phone messages, e-mails, and comments.

I am also grateful for the willingness of my friends to hear very bad news--with very little explanation--and still offer much support while withholding judgment.

A common (and valid) concern seems to center on whether we received help from a professional.

The short answer is "yes".

A more detailed answer would bring some clarity to a complex situation.

But that is probably the only purpose it would serve.

And right now I am more interested in making choices that avoid blame, bitterness, and finger pointing, than I am in offering clarity (especially via some public forum).

Whatever frustrations I may have with Andrea, she holds a very important place in the hearts of my two boys. And I will relentlessly work toward avoiding anything that will make this more difficult for them.

I do think I'm at a better place now to discuss this portion of my life. So if you are the kind of friend who can and should (someone who has a vested interest in my life, and an established pattern of meaningful conversations), feel free to ask me any question.

However, when asking, I hope you will still be patient with me. Right now I am:
1) wanting to be very careful about how I talk about this. I want to focus on what is best for the future, instead of what I am most angry about in the past (and that's difficult, so sometimes I just decide not to say anything at all)
2) There is much to be done. I'm running short on time these days. I hope you can understand.

rudd [dot] daniel [AT] gmail.com

that's a wrap (Two Short Films -- in the can)

When the most difficult year of my life hit its low point, my brother graciously offered to cancel the whole thing (At this point numerous people had made significant efforts on the project, my brother and I had worked on it for more than a year, and about 15 volunteers cast, crew, and support staff -- from five states -- had signed on to the project).

I'm so glad I didn't take him up on that offer.

It was an exhausting week.

15 people living in my house.

Intense shooting schedules. Long days.

Frantic phone calls and rushed commutes to manage childcare logistics and make sure I could spend an hour or two with the boys each day.

Very little sleep.

And somehow I feel very refreshed.

There is something very rewarding about working collaboratively with wonderful people to tell important stories.

The end of the week was a strange mix of sadness and happiness.
I was very happy to put Isaac and Will's room back together and have them back under my roof.

But I'll admit, once I had them asleep in their little tents, the house seemed very empty, and I missed the chaos. It was a very good week.

www.onestorypictures.com
www.onestorypictures.blogspot.com

Not my Favorite Blog to Write...

I'm publishing a difficult blog post. It's probably not what you came here hoping to find.

In posting it here, I hope that I will find myself making verbal explanations to people less often. I've already found that it is far too easy to tell this story in ways that justify myself at Andrea's expense.

And I know that no good will come from that.

So what's written here is not confidential.
But I'm not ready to discuss this in more detail right now.

***[e-mail i sent out a few days ago]

Some of you may already know, have an awareness, or suspect some piece of this. Some of you may have no idea at all.

And I realize this is not the best way to tell you, but there doesn't seem to be any good way, and it needs to be said.

Andrea and I agreed on the paragraph below, as reflecting truth and honoring both of our perspectives as much as possible.

In some ways, I would like to talk to you about this (and want to); but mostly I'm not ready to yet, don't think it's best, and it would not be possible at this time for me to have that conversation with all of you.

But that doesn't mean I don't want to talk to you at all, or ever again.

This isn't a secret [in fact we'd rather not explain this personally to everyone we know].

The paragraphs below seem to share the neccesary information that will be most helpful toward a healthy future.

I'm truly sorry, for the hurt this will cause and for the roles I have played in bringing it about.

With Love, Daniel


***
From Andrea and Daniel:

We're sorry to tell you that our marriage is ending. We decided to tell you this jointly because there are (obviously) many things we do not agree on, and at this point we know that focusing on those things will probably not be helpful for us or the people we care about. So we want to focus on what we do agree on.

We're both saddened by this, and we both have regrets about those things which brought us to this point.
We understand that this is difficult for the people we care about to, and we regret that.
We both want to do everything we can to make the best of this (especially as it relates to Will and Isaac).
We both want to maintain meaningful relationships with the people in our lives (you).
We both have a desire to avoid blaming and bitterness, and we both recognize that this will be a challenge.

You can help us by, remaining a part of our lives even when it's awkward, praying for us, and extending us some extra grace as things are difficult.

Daniel & Andrea

it's not you it's me...

whatever relationship you share with me. I've probably not done it justice.
so I really do sincerely apologize.
It's a rough stretch.

I intend to emerge with everything needed to exceed your wildest expectations* but I really don't know when that will be, so I won't make projections.

Until then, I really am sorry, and I hope we have the chance for more interaction soon (unless you are that psychotic clown who keeps showing up in my dreams with an Amway presentation).

and oh yes.
As a consolation prize:
I've posted great video of the boys here.

2 little presents...

finished the peekaboo song.
(new band: Gigi And the Strings)

Phase one of "Big Project" complete.

Will tell you more about the name contest soon (it's going into a second round).

Also, put a short cellphone video of the boys on their site.
(more to come).

2 things:

1: It may seem that I was absent from my blog for a long time, and then, upon my return, I rudely asked for your servitude in my little project.

I realize now, that because of the longer post above it (with a similar title), it may have been easy to miss the preceding post (which offers a very polite and thoughtful transition to the demanding post). So if you felt slighted, I apologize.

2: Thanks for all your suggestions. Some of which are still in the running. However, I would like to turn this brainstorming session in a different direction. Forget about the slide shows. Instead think: "easy to associate" and "difficult to mix up". For example:

BlueAppleMusic.com (with a little blue apple logo).
There aren't a lot of synonyms or alternate spellings for "Blue" or "Apple" (both of which are common words). Plus it's an object with a unique (blue) characteristic.

"Music" is pretty good, but hopefully I would be able to get "BlueAppleRecords.com" too, in case someone was rooted in old-school understandings of distribution.

Also, be sure to post your suggestions in the comments so that creative synergy can flourish.

That 100 dollars is so close you can taste it!!!!!!

Call For Help (with reward)

It's a long story, but I have to start a music distribution company.

I'll give more details in the future. But right now I need a name for an online store that promotes and sells music for independent artists.

It needs to be a: ".com" name (not .tv or .org or .net)

It needs to be easy to remember (probably short is best).

People will be making customized slide shows on DVDs featuring their own pictures. Music that matches the theme of the pictures will be playing along. At the end of the show, there will be a picture of the Artist who's music was featured. It will invite the viewer to visit us online to learn more about the artist and get special offers on their music.

So if you saw a cool slide show, featuring your pictures (or the pictures of a friend or loved one) and you liked the music and wanted to know more....

What kind of website would you remember?

If you have a suggestion, and can confirm that its available, put it in the comments.

If I use your suggestion I will send you a check for $100 (not a joke)

Here's a place where you can check available domain names:

Attention: Please don't use Godaddy.com (long story), use this one insetad

www.networksolutions.com

Here's a place where you can get cool suggestions:
www.nameboy.com

**Please invite any of your creative friends to participate in the fun!

Quick Update: Call for Help

I apologize to everyone for general unavailability as of late.

Stock20 got an important contract with a pretty interesting company.

Securing that contract required lots of extra work (for the last 4 weeks),
and meeting deadlines will require lots more extra work (for two more weeks).
(see "Call for Help" post above if you wish to ease this burden)

Additional Complicating Factors:

This video had to be completed about a week ago, and required more work than I anticipated. But it was for my favorite (and only) video production client.

Still have to make music and stuff for Stock20's monthly releases. (Although I'm hiring other people to help with some of the songs now)

If you are interested, here are some of the recent songs that I have composed and produced.

Will and Isaac are both cutting their biggest teeth.
Isaac has had two double ear infections in the past month.
The last antibiotic led to relentless diarrhea and the worst diaper rash ever.

But... things seem to be getting better on that front.

Hoping to be human again soon...

best jack handy quote ever

“I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.”

-saint jack of handy (via james bean e-mail)

I say put this kid in jail right now!

Could it be more clear that he is going to grow into a super-villain?




The mom is oblivious to the evil (maternal blindness), but the baby's sibling is obviously terrified.

so it's march now...

you may have noticed that februrary has ended.
And with it, my obligation to post 6 days per week.

As a consolation prize, I have updated the boys blog with some really cute footage of our trip to the circus.

advice #3: unreasonable reactions don't modify unreasonable behavior

the news commentator says it best...





For lent, I am giving up the practice of throwing stones at the heads of angry elephants (maybe it's a metaphor, maybe it isn't)

advice #2: finish first, celebrate later

Notice how the "new winner" fails to learn anything from the event which gives him a (less-than-ideal) reason to celebrate.

I'm glad I've never done anything stupid.

Also,

1) I don't know about you, but a big part of my spiritual upbringing has included a very scary event at the end of human history--

--various renderings of a massive room, where all of redeemed humanity would gather to watch every event of everyone's life (for judgment) on a massive movie screen.

Naturally, my frequent reflections on this event included only graphic portrayals those moments which I regretted most deeply, and those events which where horrifically embarrassing.

My only hope was that someone -- much worse would go before me and after me. And maybe my parents would have just slipped out to go to the bathroom.

2) Later on, I was exposed to a stream of theology that orchestrated apocalyptic events on a different time line.

Supposedly, God's justice would prevail on earth more incrementally, with humanity as his instruments.

3) So here we are now; on the brink of the rapture, world war 3, global warming, and many other civilazation-compromising possibilities...

And I can't help but notice that there are camera's everywhere, documenting every little mistake and posting them on a massive movie screen,

and every day all of humanity gathers to judge each little mistake...

what's next?

ps. send me $200 and I'll send you my "Armageddon survival guide road map".