Goodbye Cedar Avenue...

I really think I'm OK with it...

I tried to scheme a zillion ways to keep it.
more stability for my boys
(or maybe for me)

but in the end it seemed obvious that my limited resources
would accomplish more by sharing my time directly with Isaac and Will
instead of exchanging it for a bigger house.

So I'm going to spend less,
so I can make less, so I can work less.

stability seems like a scarce resource
possibly an illusion

the most important pieces of my life
are orbiting just outside of my control.

and surprisingly, I'm starting to feel OK with that too.


If you've been to Cedar Avenue, you know why I love it.
And I think I'll miss my neighbors more than the view.
But I know that the view won't be missed by my neighbors.

They will be moving in by the end of the month.
And I plan to crash their back porch regularly.

So the three rudd boys are on the hunt for a new residence.


but first we have to sell our other house which is soon to be vacated by our former renters.
3-5 bedroom, 3 bathroom, great N. Muskegon location:
130,ish (price to be determined upon assessment of post rental condition)

more details to come (there will be a reward)


life update

I'm very thankful for the phone messages, e-mails, and comments.

I am also grateful for the willingness of my friends to hear very bad news--with very little explanation--and still offer much support while withholding judgment.

A common (and valid) concern seems to center on whether we received help from a professional.

The short answer is "yes".

A more detailed answer would bring some clarity to a complex situation.

But that is probably the only purpose it would serve.

And right now I am more interested in making choices that avoid blame, bitterness, and finger pointing, than I am in offering clarity (especially via some public forum).

Whatever frustrations I may have with Andrea, she holds a very important place in the hearts of my two boys. And I will relentlessly work toward avoiding anything that will make this more difficult for them.

I do think I'm at a better place now to discuss this portion of my life. So if you are the kind of friend who can and should (someone who has a vested interest in my life, and an established pattern of meaningful conversations), feel free to ask me any question.

However, when asking, I hope you will still be patient with me. Right now I am:
1) wanting to be very careful about how I talk about this. I want to focus on what is best for the future, instead of what I am most angry about in the past (and that's difficult, so sometimes I just decide not to say anything at all)
2) There is much to be done. I'm running short on time these days. I hope you can understand.

rudd [dot] daniel [AT] gmail.com


that's a wrap (Two Short Films -- in the can)

When the most difficult year of my life hit its low point, my brother graciously offered to cancel the whole thing (At this point numerous people had made significant efforts on the project, my brother and I had worked on it for more than a year, and about 15 volunteers cast, crew, and support staff -- from five states -- had signed on to the project).

I'm so glad I didn't take him up on that offer.

It was an exhausting week.

15 people living in my house.

Intense shooting schedules. Long days.

Frantic phone calls and rushed commutes to manage childcare logistics and make sure I could spend an hour or two with the boys each day.

Very little sleep.

And somehow I feel very refreshed.

There is something very rewarding about working collaboratively with wonderful people to tell important stories.

The end of the week was a strange mix of sadness and happiness.
I was very happy to put Isaac and Will's room back together and have them back under my roof.

But I'll admit, once I had them asleep in their little tents, the house seemed very empty, and I missed the chaos. It was a very good week.



Not my Favorite Blog to Write...

I'm publishing a difficult blog post. It's probably not what you came here hoping to find.

In posting it here, I hope that I will find myself making verbal explanations to people less often. I've already found that it is far too easy to tell this story in ways that justify myself at Andrea's expense.

And I know that no good will come from that.

So what's written here is not confidential.
But I'm not ready to discuss this in more detail right now.

***[e-mail i sent out a few days ago]

Some of you may already know, have an awareness, or suspect some piece of this. Some of you may have no idea at all.

And I realize this is not the best way to tell you, but there doesn't seem to be any good way, and it needs to be said.

Andrea and I agreed on the paragraph below, as reflecting truth and honoring both of our perspectives as much as possible.

In some ways, I would like to talk to you about this (and want to); but mostly I'm not ready to yet, don't think it's best, and it would not be possible at this time for me to have that conversation with all of you.

But that doesn't mean I don't want to talk to you at all, or ever again.

This isn't a secret [in fact we'd rather not explain this personally to everyone we know].

The paragraphs below seem to share the neccesary information that will be most helpful toward a healthy future.

I'm truly sorry, for the hurt this will cause and for the roles I have played in bringing it about.

With Love, Daniel

From Andrea and Daniel:

We're sorry to tell you that our marriage is ending. We decided to tell you this jointly because there are (obviously) many things we do not agree on, and at this point we know that focusing on those things will probably not be helpful for us or the people we care about. So we want to focus on what we do agree on.

We're both saddened by this, and we both have regrets about those things which brought us to this point.
We understand that this is difficult for the people we care about to, and we regret that.
We both want to do everything we can to make the best of this (especially as it relates to Will and Isaac).
We both want to maintain meaningful relationships with the people in our lives (you).
We both have a desire to avoid blaming and bitterness, and we both recognize that this will be a challenge.

You can help us by, remaining a part of our lives even when it's awkward, praying for us, and extending us some extra grace as things are difficult.

Daniel & Andrea