ok seriously

I'm doing OK. thanks for asking. Sorry If I haven't responded personally.
Hope to catch up on stuff like that soon.

I'm feeling less angry, less afraid, and more hopeful all the time.


The last decade of my life with Andrea formed many good memories, and much for which I'm thankful to her for.

But many of those years also contained a sense of something dark and immanent,
some painful choices and patterns.
and no options for collaboratively finding healthier ways of relating to each other.

and not having those options (and not understanding why)
does feel like rejection (whether it is or it isn't)

So while many people experience divorce as an overwhelming wave of rejection or loss.
I have felt those emotions more like the current of a river.
Sometimes a strong current, sometimes less noticeable.
But a current I've experienced (and contributed to) for a long time.

So now I do not feel a wave.
I am more aware of a steady "depressurization."

What was feared, resisted, and fought has materialized. And I find the experience of it far more tolerable than the fear or of it.


And it's nice to speak more freely with people I care about.

A good therapist is better than working through something alone.

But not having to keep things from those I love is much better.

I do feel loss, grief, and regret: for the hurting people I care about, and for the roles I have played in causing hurt.

But mostly I feel a lot of hope.


Did I mention that a week from today I will take my boys to the cabin for 8 days?
We're going to throw lots of rocks in mackinaw bay, canoe relentlessly, explore the function and grave responsibilities of wearing big boy underpants, and maybe I'll even notch some logs for the little cabin I started building almost 15 years ago (Cedar lasts a long long time).


And I do live with my parents
(and they have been great)


And I do not have a job
(but I'm not really a "have a job" kind of guy)

In spite of some current financial pressures (resulting in a screeching halt of all business development and advertising), my little company seems to still be paying it's primary bills and starting a slow recovery. My employee/friends have been great. And I think were going to make it.

Some of the responsibilities which claimed significant chunks of my time have drawn, or are drawing, to a conclusion. I'm hoping to start making music again in the next month. I may do more video work to fill some financial gaps.


More often than not, I get to spend every waking hour with my boys.
And when they are with Andrea, I still get to spend time with them every day.

And this is not the reality of most single parents.
so I'm really grateful.
and well.



Kim said...

Thanks for your honesty...we continue to pray for you and Andrea and your boys. We love you guys and hope you know how much we have learned from you. I really feel that our lives are better, more enriched, from knowing to two of you. While we are sad that you are apart, we still want to be a part of both of your lives...and play with your boys. Hope to see you guys soon.
Kim (& Rob)

Jer & Liz Nyenhuis said...

Glad to hear that you are starting the healing process and that it sounds as though your divorce is more amicable than most. I think about you ocassionally (I met you once, but you probably don't remember me because I was one of a hundred or so you met all at the same time) and when I do I pray for strength and peace.

cheesy-spoosh said...

That makes sense- the experience is far more tolerable than the fear of it. We are praying for a peaceful and healing experience for you. We love you and are thankful that God created our paths to meet. I wouldn't give up on trying to find some new ways to introduce yourself- i don't think you have it yet!

Anonymous said...

I am not a big fan of swimming in rivers myself....sometimes it feels like out of nowhere you are going to go under. Just remember you are never really alone. Friends and family are lining the banks praying for you. If you feel yourself ever being pulled under just give a yell and someone will always be there to pull you up. In 2 years where will your lives be???????....... :) Less than that...such BIG things ahead. Prepare yourself for the joy ahead. You will be swimming in IT. Only the faith of a mustard seed needed. Even you can afford that :) lol We love Ya, M, J, R and Z