ok seriously

I'm doing OK. thanks for asking. Sorry If I haven't responded personally.
Hope to catch up on stuff like that soon.

I'm feeling less angry, less afraid, and more hopeful all the time.

*

The last decade of my life with Andrea formed many good memories, and much for which I'm thankful to her for.

But many of those years also contained a sense of something dark and immanent,
some painful choices and patterns.
and no options for collaboratively finding healthier ways of relating to each other.

and not having those options (and not understanding why)
does feel like rejection (whether it is or it isn't)

So while many people experience divorce as an overwhelming wave of rejection or loss.
I have felt those emotions more like the current of a river.
Sometimes a strong current, sometimes less noticeable.
But a current I've experienced (and contributed to) for a long time.

So now I do not feel a wave.
I am more aware of a steady "depressurization."

What was feared, resisted, and fought has materialized. And I find the experience of it far more tolerable than the fear or of it.

*

And it's nice to speak more freely with people I care about.

A good therapist is better than working through something alone.

But not having to keep things from those I love is much better.

I do feel loss, grief, and regret: for the hurting people I care about, and for the roles I have played in causing hurt.

But mostly I feel a lot of hope.

**

Did I mention that a week from today I will take my boys to the cabin for 8 days?
We're going to throw lots of rocks in mackinaw bay, canoe relentlessly, explore the function and grave responsibilities of wearing big boy underpants, and maybe I'll even notch some logs for the little cabin I started building almost 15 years ago (Cedar lasts a long long time).

**

And I do live with my parents
(and they have been great)

**

And I do not have a job
(but I'm not really a "have a job" kind of guy)

In spite of some current financial pressures (resulting in a screeching halt of all business development and advertising), my little company seems to still be paying it's primary bills and starting a slow recovery. My employee/friends have been great. And I think were going to make it.

Some of the responsibilities which claimed significant chunks of my time have drawn, or are drawing, to a conclusion. I'm hoping to start making music again in the next month. I may do more video work to fill some financial gaps.

**

More often than not, I get to spend every waking hour with my boys.
And when they are with Andrea, I still get to spend time with them every day.

And this is not the reality of most single parents.
so I'm really grateful.
hopeful
and well.

-daniel