Beware the Flying Koala!

shoveling has proven to be the boys' new favorite pastime

**

ginger and willow have both enjoyed early "graduations"
to new classes (gymnastics and dance)

**

niece/cousin emma defies the fastest settings on my camera
as she hurtles over her specialty...

...and earns herself a place in the state competition
(coming up next weekend)


**

I promise to post more regularly when i finish my taxes.
-daniel

wow

my brother helps me feel normal

if you thought my toaster rant a few posts back was bordering clinical
(as several were kind enough to point out in your comments),
i invite you to enter the mind behind these eyes.

fortunately, Andrew's psychosis usually turns out to be meaningful in some profound way.
it's one of the best posts in a while from one of the best storytellers i know

on your mark, get set,

ok sorry for the mixup.... here's a replacement video (also from this fall):




If you could see their eyes more clearly, you'd appreciate the immense pleasure they both find in being the *only* person who really knows *when* they will actually "Go".

I find this to be a perfectly valid way to enjoy the beginning of a race.
...it's possible that a future track coach might feel differently.

peanuts and cheerios beware!

i'll post some more current stuff soon.
for now, here's a little video from fall featuring my highly motivated son and one of his favorite pastimes.

Messed Up World!

I'm so angry.
I've been up since 4am.
I'm trying to get my songs finished for Stock20 January release.

I'm very hungry.

I just want one piece of toast.
Thick hearty Koeplinger's Wheat Bread
With Smucker's all natural peanut butter.

I don't want two pieces of toast.
I know that after I eat one, I won't need another one.

But I can't stop both sides of the toaster from heating up!

I refuse to waste the energy of the vacant toaster chamber.
And I refuse to waste a piece of Koeplinger's Wheat Bread.

So, I sit.
Not eating.
Not making music.
Angry...

...

wait!
it's winter.
I'll put the toaster under the thermostat.
Then the furnace will sit efficiently at rest for a few more minutes.
And I will slather my esophagus with toast.

clean-up

The boys have been learning (among other things) to clean up after themselves.

There are three primary sets of toys dominating play time right now: a train set (gift from gigi and ryan) and legos (gift from david and maryanne), and a set of "cut-able" wooden vegetables (gift from Katie's mom Colleen).

When finished, Isaac and Will are equally passionate about carefully storing every piece in its designated container, and meticulous about quickly correcting any errors made in the cleanup process.

The boxes are carefully stored on the shelf in the exact same locations.

Also high on the list right now is vacuuming and doing dishes (now if I can just get them to sew fancy basketball shoes I'll be I'll set).

Of course Isaac's favorite projects always involve some reason to use the shop-vac.

some important news

On November 6, I posted about some specific ways that my life felt rich and beautiful.
And that post linked to more details about a special person.

And in that description I hypothesized that I would have more to say about that person (and that relationship) in the future.

And I'm very very happy to say more now, so I've updated the page that I wrote introducing you to Katie Corbin.

So, if you are interesting in hearing about some exciting and significant recent developments in my life click here.

too much

it's not that there isn't anything to say.
it's that there is too much.
(some things that are really great, that I'm very excited about)

but i've been really really swamped
right now i'm recovering from a day on the tradeshow floor
felt some floriday sunshine today
but not much of it

i'll write more later this week when i'm home

Untitled General Blog Post

Last Monday the process of my divorce was complete.
I know that this conclusion feels sad for a lot of people.
I understand that hurt and I'm sorry for it.

I know that I still haven't said much about the breakdown of my marriage. My intention is to avoid the discussion of any details that could in any way detract from the relationships between my boys and their mother.

But here's what I can say that might be helpful in understanding my readiness to move on with my life.

When Andrea moved out six months ago, it began the legal process of divorce. But for me it wasn't the beginning of the divorce itself, it was the end of it. It marked the end of many years of hard work to restore the marriage. It marked the end of my fear, and my efforts to avoid that which I dreaded most. And when it all unraveled, I realized that the fear itself was doing me more harm than the object of my fear.

My work in counseling for the last few years was primarily focused on learning to accept and make the best of a hurting relationship, even when it wasn't what I had hoped for - and didn't seem like it would head that way. Learning to let go of my expectations for marriage really prepared me to let go of the marriage in a peaceful way.

In my experience, most people enter into the legal proceedings of divorce with a sense of confusion, rejection, and loss. That's why a divorce can easily bring out the very worst in people, and that's why it usually takes about two years. And that's why it's so difficult (sometimes impossible) for people to find any sense of closure.

So I'm not saying that there was no anger, grief or hurt. And I'm not saying that Andrea and I are now good friends. But we do have a respectful & cooperative relationship. We can coexist and communicate well, and it seems that we are both willing to do what is necessary to help our boys feel safe and loved.

I do regret my shortcomings in marriage, but at the same time I feel good about my efforts toward having a good marriage and growing as a person.

I do regret (and understand) the pain that people I love experience as a result of this divorce, but at the same time I feel very thankful for the peace and joy I am experiencing now.

I do not regret the choice I made more than 10 years ago to marry Andrea. It's been painful at times, but there were good times too. Andrea and I had some different ideas about marriage, and some difficulty working through those differences. But she was kind to me in many ways.

That relationship brought Will and Isaac into my life, and it was a major part of shaping who I am today and the place I find myself now.

And the place in life that I find myself is a very good place to be.
The boys are brilliant, hilarious, loving, growing, and well adjusted.
I have wonderful family and friends.
I'll have a place of my own to live soon.
I'm experiencing some really amazing and meaningful connections that I never expected 6 months ago.
It's Christmas.
And the new year looks VERY inviting.

I hope that all of you can experience some of the same gratitude and hope.
Merry Christmas.

A Challenge to Nick Wagenmaker

Be it resolved:
Whereas the particular skill which is demonstrated herein, demonstrates full compatibility with the numerous and randomly astounding wonderments performed by one "Nick Wagenamker" and for the general betterment of western culture, should be added to his repertoire post haste.

Silent Night [vive la stock20]

So, I'm still feeling pretty inept with my new recording setup, but I'm slowly getting up to speed.

My first official Stock20 project was a "Christmas Gift" for our faithful customers (who have remained loyal in the absence of new music for about 5 months).

So I developed a unique interpretation of "Silent Night", recruited a talented vocalist to refine and record the melody, then today Tony released it.

I've since received scores of positive e-mails and order comments from our customers. In less than three hours it's been ordered and downloaded over 300 times. That makes me happy.

Here's an mp3 version for your listening/burning/sharing enjoyment.

And if you (or someone you know) is a media professional, a free license to use this song in creative projects can be acquired at www.stock20.com

ps. I also posted a short video on the boys' site, should be available shortly.

What Happened?!?

Isaac is currently posing this question hundreds of times daily.
If anything is out of the ordinary
If the contents of a room are re-arranged
If people are laughing and he doesn't get the joke
If anyone raises their voice (kidding on not)
If anyone gets a "time out"...

"What Happened? What Happened?"

If the explanation you offer is inadequate:

"What Happened? What Happened?"

Sometimes these explanations can be challenging. And with Isaac, you can't just make something up.

**

I think the video below (provided by Tony's zoo photography) is one of my favorite "What Happened" contexts.




**

This past weekend, Tony and Tara planned a really exciting day for the Rudd boys and the Corbin 3. I've posted a photo essay on the boys' blog.

All the creatures were fascinating in many ways. But for two members of our group (who happen to be in the preliminary potty-training stages) excretory function seemed to remain the central theme of every exhibit.

The animal in the video below was not very active, but was greatly enjoyed by all.


note: Isaac calls Will "Wilson" when he is excited.

props to my homies

a pressing editing deadline and some hardware issues kept me from visiting calvary to hear my brother preach this Sunday.

But a few weeks ago, I was able to avail myself of that opportunity. I filled out the paperwork required to loose the demolition duo on calvary's unsuspecting children's ministry, and found myself a seat next to some of my other siblings.

Before I say more, it should be noted that:

1) I have a really hard to sitting through almost any type of presentation for more than 20-30 minutes (yes, I know that I have no right to complain about lengthy sermons)

2) If you know David and I, you know that we have a few divergent views on things, and some generally different ways of thinking/functioning (for instance: he's responsible, organized, and focused. He holds a job and completes advanced degrees. I barely emerged from college with a dubiously acquired bachelors degree and a career path that gets changed more often than the oil in my minivan)

So there I was in the 10:30 service:
-Surrounded by six or seven hundred nice people, a solid majority of those adults being republicans who have jobs and do not live with their mothers
-And I was listening to a 40+ minute lecture.
-And I assume that I was hearing a theological/philosophical idea or two that would not naturally resonate with my way of thinking.

Interestingly enough, none of those factors were primary in my consciousness.

I was mostly noticing how passionate and gifted my brother was. (And I'm generally pretty critical of such things)

And while he's very good at preaching/teaching/writing, it's a relatively small part of what he contributes to the church he is a part of. He's really talented at everything he does, has some innovative ideas and he works very hard (probably a little more than he should). If he hadn't abused me as his paper-route lacky 23 years ago, I'd hire him to run my company, or to do just about anything.

I think he could be pretty successful in just about any church, or any field he chose, but It's really clear to me that he cares very deeply for the people in the community that he serves as a pastor.

Sometimes I think it's got to be hard to be on staff at the church he grew up in. I don't have a lot of opportunity to observe, but over the years it seems like sometimes he has to pay twice the dues, for half the respect.

**

My dad's been a pastor for about 40 years. And he's been at Calvary for about 23. I think David's been there in some capacity for pretty close to a decade. That's a long time.

And I remember that it's a hard job. People have expectations and desires that are often in tension. So there's almost always someone who is unhappy and unaware of the bigger picture. Sometimes that gets expressed in unkind ways.

Lately I've observed some of that happening in ways that are beyond the typical pastor's experience. It's been difficult to watch.

First and foremost, I hurt for them. I can see that it weighs heavily on them. I wish I could do something to prevent it.

But I'm also very proud of them (and that would extend to my mom and my sister-in-law who demonstrate the same kind of commitment and experience the same kind of hurt).

While I don't regret the years I spent as pastor, I am thankful to be traveling a different route in my own spiritual journey; a route that gives me some distance from those pressures. But I'm very proud of what my they are doing, proud of their motivations, and impressed by their stamina in doing it. It's very obvious that their efforts make the world a better place in some really tangible ways.

So, when I feel that they are under-appreciated, over-scrutinized, or simply lied about, I feel some hurt on their behalf. I feel some pride toward them. But then I invariably experience a sense of confusion.

Both my dad and my brother have demanding and high stress jobs.
They both have had no shortage of opportunities to accept positions offering, more money, less stress (and probably greater sense of prestige or importance).
While they've both had some rewarding opportunities, they have both endured some very hurtful experiences.
And they both know that as long as they are focused on helping hurting people, they will receive more wounds.

I think that everyone experiences some mix of healthy and unhealthy motivations.
And everyone makes mistakes.
I don't think my brother and father are perfect.
And I don't think they are trying to enjoy or perpetrate that illusion either.

But when people assume, imply, or infer that there is a deep or pervasive insincerity behind the actions of my father or my brother...

I can only wonder what their angle "angle" might be
What's in it for them??

If you are going to embrace your dark side and employ yourself toward sinister ends, why not avail yourself of one of the many venues that richly reward such behavior?

...or at least build one of those cool christian theme parks

A Really Great Week

A Really Great Week

Halloween was a "mom day" but I got to help the boys get their spider costumes on, drive them
to Downtown Grand Haven, and photograph their trick-or-treat adventure.

(you can see a video in the post below, and more pictures here)

They seemed a little overwhelmed at first, but gained some confidence as the night went on. It's been really fun to see their personalities emerging more fully in the last few months.

**

After collecting scores of pictures of the boys, I made it to Katie, Ginger, and Willow's apartment in time to get some pictures of the "Dreams Come True" Fairy, and the "Miracles can Happen" Fairy.

(more pics from this series here)

Then I traveled with Katie and her mom to a theater in Kalamazoo for the world premiere of an independent horror film.

This was probably the first horror film I've ever watched in its entirety, and there is a good chance that I won't feel the need to see many more.

And while Katie expressed, in numerous disclaimers, the many ways in which this film was not the type of storytelling that she hopes to engage through acting... It was a *real film*. And Katie was this very believable "other person", on the big screen, with a name in the credits.

Improving the experience further, were some great/entertaining/enlightening conversations with Katie's mom (as we traveled), and the chance to briefly meet some of Katie's family from that part of the state.

In the last few months I've had the opportunity to get to know Katie pretty well. But conversations of substance have mostly been relegated to the phone, with the majority of our time spent together taking place among slides, swings, monkeybars, and the continual exploits of four very active children.

So the evening felt like a "preview" of the not-so-distant future, when it will be very natural to go to a movie, for a walk, or dinner, or simply have a face to face conversation with no interruptions until the annoyed teenager kicks us out of the coffee shop at closing time.

**

I'll write more about that later--the really-great-week continues...

**

Lately, when the boys are not with me, I have spent my time working through the details of major life transitions, downsizing, reorganizing, redeveloping my business, or editing. I'm pretty sure that I've not watched a single episode of a TV show or a movie during that time. I've spent very little time listening to music.

But this past week I got to spend Wednesday night at the theater (in the entourage of a movie-star), and then my first (and long awaited) night at the symphony on Friday.

It was absolutely amazing. I had the honor of taking my mom, who perfected the experience with her musical knowledge, binoculars, and generally exciting persona. Got to see Ryan in action, spend a little time with Gigi, and hold a short conversation with Rob and Kim.

The first part of the concert featured a world renowned cellist (maybe my favorite instrument), the second part featured the full orchestra and an incredibly moving composition (Tchaikovsky).

Special thanks to brother Ryan for the tickets, Bompa Bill for putting the boys to bed.

The Frauenthal is a beautiful setting, fall is my favorite time of year, and the spiralling melodies--driven by a perfect blend of voices-- seemed to be releasing the very best kind of chemicals into my brain.

I let my eyes relax their focus, and watched the synchronized movements throughout the string section...

....and it all seemed very, very right.

[transition post from a really-great-week to a really-great-fall]

And my life in general feels that way right now.

Not perfect, not void of stress and challenges. But very good.

July of 2006 through July of 2007 may have been one of the most difficult years of my life. 2005 had some generally rough spots as well.

But I just can't get past how fortunate I feel to have opportunities like the ones I've described in this post. So this "really great week" seems to be full of little pictures of those things that make the future seem very inviting.

and beyond those things which I've already mentioned:

My boys are developing hilarious personalities and interacting like never before. They really love each other, they learn so fast, and they can mimic almost anything they see adults doing.

Three years ago, I had no idea how much I wanted to be a father. Now I just can't imagine my life any other way. And they get more fun all the time (also their capacity for destruction increases daily).

They seem to be anchored in a very rich web of relationships. I'm so thankful for all the people that love them so well.

And though I've not been able to adequately invest in many of the relationships that are important to me, *I* feel very anchored too.

Friends, family, & xin-laws (pronounced "kzin-law") have all been very supportive in helping with the boys.

In the not too distant future, we'll all be celebrating the arrival of some important, and long awaited babies.

I'm realizing that I live in a very beautiful place (I can't believe how neglectful I've been toward that beauty in the past).

I feel healthier than I have in years, the daily headaches I once experienced seem to be dissipating, and my debilitating vomit-blood-E.R.-narcotics-headaches may be gone forever.

I can see well. My new eye doctor fitted me with contacts that allow me to see at least 20/20.

My vocational opportunities grant me parental flexibility, adequate income, and some rewarding creative opportunities. I have every reason to believe that my little company will [more than] survive its current transitional difficulties.

I should be back to work on my musical projects soon, and I'm working on two very interesting short films.

My parents have been incredible hosts for the last few months, making an extra effort to ease the sting of a living with your mother at age 31. My boys have loved the proximity to their grandparents, and plans for a future home are in the works.

Thanksgiving and Christmas are just around the corner... and I feel very ready to engage the spirit of both holidays.

-daniel

eency weency spider

i've had a great week.
more details coming soon.





and a halloween photo-essay can be found at the boys' blog.

music is back

it's been almost four months since I've been able to record a single track.

My new audio workstation is up and running.
yesterday and today I spent several hours learning the basics of my new recording software.

20 minutes ago, I recorded my first track.
here it is,
it's very rough, improvisational, and unedited.
but it's my first recording in my new studio,
and it's really good to be back.

there's a more interesting audio file at will and isaac's blog (also from today).

catching up (contains some nudity)

the pace of life seems a little hurried these days.

here's some snippets of what I've been up to since my last post...



will, riding the "barrel train" at an orchard/pumpkin farm a few saturdays back.




A couple weeks ago Isaac spent a few days experimenting with a new way of voicing frustration.
This would involve:
1) dropping everything
2) fleeing as fast as he could to whatever he perceived to be the edge of a safe perimeter
3) facing whomever he was upset with (from a distance of preferably 40 feet or more)
4) wailing his lament of injustice.

In this particular episode, his sprint from community was so passionate, I thought he might race into the orchard never to be heard from again... but he stopped at the treeline.

**





I took a very quick trip to NYC a couple weeks ago.
Can you tell it was my first time?



I went with the Jason Piasecki and Andy Maciejewski of a local creative firm (Qonverge), to pitch some marketing strategies to a music licensing & technology company.

Here we are in their studio just a few blocks from Times Square.

Experiential Highlights:
*Good company
*Street vendor hot dogs
*An interesting kind of work assignment
*Lots of frustrating air travel delays...
*Some incredible turbulence while fighting through a severe storm over NYC
*The resulting involuntary surrender of my lunch (ten seconds before wheels hit the ground)


**



Collectively, the boys and I have consumed hundreds of apples. (and thrown hundreds of sticks and stones into various bodies of water)


and spent in ordinate amounts of time at playgrounds.


this particular adventure was shared with cousins Emma and Maya while Liam played soccer on the other side of the fence.

**





Will hung out with Grandma GoGo and Maya while I got to have a special "just isaac" trip to GR for some allergy/asthma testing.

He leveraged his charm and bravery to draw amazement from every medical professional who came in contact with him; watching with cool curiosity as they drew blood, holding meticulously still for the student x-ray tech, and spending several minutes inspecting every single oil painting at the Butterworth Campus.

He got to pick his own food at the cafeteria, and then we spent some time in the ambulance bay boosting paramedic moral through ruckus cheering.





***




This morning, the boys slept in a bit. When they finally called for me I left my desk and walked into their room to find will celebrating the fact that he had succesfully removed every stitch of clothing from his body.

"naked. no pee" he assured me.

I asked him why he felt like he needed to be naked.
"Got it! clothes off! Self!"

Isaac was clearly impressed.

***

I'm still trying to get caught up but making some progress. But the boys will be with Andrea for a stretch of several days and I'm hoping to make a good dent.

and life is very good.

Ruddboys Update

The second half up September evaporated pretty quickly.

Because of the cabin trip, I ended up having the boys in my care for about 24 of the 30 days of September. It was a really fun month. But I didn't get much work done.

And the process of -divorce-navigation/homeselling/moving/downsizing/evicting/re-leasing/adjusting-
has required a lot of time.

So if I owe you a phone call, an e-mail, some quality time, or a gently used rhinestone studded athletic supporter, I apologize. I'm hoping to get my act together in the next 2-30 months.

***
Tony and Tara have done a great job of keeping Stock20 alive, but from a business standpoint, there is much to be done. From a musical standpoint I'm even further behind. I've been unable to record/compose new music for several months. Typically, the new music releases are what generate income.

This past weekend Andrea took the boys to Marshall/Olivette, allowing me to (mostly) finish two important projects.

1) My new "loft" bed, will allow me to add a recording studio to the space that is currently my kitchen, office, and bedroom. My "apartment" behind my parents house is definitely tight quarters, but it's working pretty well for now and my parents have been very gracious. I will post pictures of our minimalist bachelor pad soon.

project two:

2) "Little Red Caboose" beds for the boys. My own general uneasiness and the collective wisdom on raising twin boys suggests that it's not a good idea to turn them loose in big boy beds until you can put them in separate rooms. I think they could probably survive it (others have), I'm just not sure I could survive any further lack of sleep. And I'm not sure they are ready to make another significant transition right now.

So my goal was to create a larger, more comfortable, and more sturdy bed, that wouldn't be very different from the "pack and plays" they have been sleeping in.

Just for fun, both beds feature the much loved "little red caboose" on the front panel, and they can look through the caboose windows to see the their sidekick in the other caboose.

I've been working on them for a couple weeks, but hadn't gotten very far. We worked feverishly throughout Sunday to complete them, got them situated with only minutes to spare before the boys return from their weekend trip. (a special thanks is owed to anti-onion katie and her two associates for their invaluable help with artwork, construction, and cleanup.)

I had a camera ready for the "unveiling". You may notice Will as he expresses his excitement verbally. Isaac opted for a very passionate round of lively and percussive dancing...


As you can see, the beds were a big hit initially, and have since offered up 2 naps, and 3 successful nights of sleep.

I'm missing time with many you, and hope to be a better at whatever I am for you soon.
Life is very busy, but continues to be very good.

much love
-daniel

Update Coming Soon

sorry for the silence...
I should post an update on the activities of the ruddboys in the next two days.

For now, here's something better.